Dear Eric: I work in a small aquarium with a close friend of mine named Tom. Because my wife is in the late stages of pregnancy, I often take my youngest to the aquarium and leave her by the touch tanks while I work. This has caused some disputes between Tom and me, as he worries about leaving her unattended around the fish.
Both of my children have always been very empathetic and careful around animals and have never caused any problems until recently. Tom is very attached to the fish in our aquarium and often gives them special names. Recently, when leaving my daughter by the touch tank while I spoke with some customers, she attempted to pick up a starfish and damaged one of its arms. When Tom noticed this, he yelled at her quite loudly and made her cry, causing her to drop the starfish and injuring it further.
He has since refused to speak with me and has sent several emails to our boss suggesting that I ought to be disciplined and my daughter banned. I personally feel that he has overreacted and am hurt by his choice to prioritize a starfish over our many years of friendship. What can I do?
— Confused Parent
Dear Confused Parent: To gain some perspective, let’s think about how this situation would play out if you weren’t an employee. Is the touch tank set up for children to interact with it safely without adult supervision? Is there a staff member assigned to the touch tank to protect the fish and the children? Is the aquarium a place where children who are left unattended, even temporarily, can move about freely without putting themselves, others, or the fish at risk?
It’s likely that Tom’s frustrations are rooted not only in his concern for the starfish, but also in an annoyance at a double-standard. If you wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from a patron, is it fair to ask Tom or the rest of your coworkers to tolerate it from you?
That said, childcare can be expensive and hard to find. I understand your solution. Moving forward, you’ll need to talk through your plan with your supervisors and your coworkers first. It’s possible that this workplace can help you to keep your child occupied safely, but right now it seems that there are some assumptions being made on your part about the organization’s capacity, and that’s creating tension in your personal relationship with Tom.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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